I suck even more then I thought

It has been a minute since I have written. I said that Joel and I were just to be friends, but that did not turn out to be the case.

Then I , decided that I was going to break up with Ted since we still have not had the sex. Not only that, but it had been 2 weeks since I had seen him.

Then there is Dr. Tom. I saw him again on Friday...we went out on a real date- dinner, drinks, movie, bottle of wine, dancing, and ....ahhh yes.

So Ted came by tonight and I feel like such as ass, as I should. He really cares about me and I fuck around with other men.

I hate that I need so much attention from men. I never thought that I had low self esteem and that I need confidence from men desiring me. It is actually very sad for me to discover about myself.

I'm so sad. I keep thinking about Dr Tom. I can't get the man out of my head. This is my problem with him...the sex is so intimate and passionate, that I start to think that I really like him. Ok so maybe I do really like him. He is handsome, fun, rich, loves to have adventures, good in bed, loves to go down on me, kissing him is amazing, and he like to cuddle. How could a girl not fall for him? So once again, I'm screwed. I can't stop thinking about him. I did the worst thing ever...I sent him a text saying I couldn't get him out of my head...WTF have I no shame?

Ahhh I piss myself off. I should of just let sleeping dogs lie. it had been months since he called me, asking me to hang out. I think that he finally got the hint after awhile with all the excuses I gave him...and now...the tables have turned.

God, when will I learn that I can't have causal sex anymore.

It just feels so real...

Maybe what feels real is just the thought. The thought of having someone to be close to. Someone that just wants me and wants me all the time- no matter what. Someone who has the potiental to be a life long friend/partner.

Ok I'm done...I'll get over it...again...

Dr. Tom

It's official...I'm an ass...I totally had the sex over and over, and over again with Dr. Tom. I was wasted and totally booty called him at 5am...he drove 45 min to pick me up to drive another 30 min to my house. And then back 30 min the next day so I could pick my car up...What can I say, I'm just a damn good lay and by the way so is he!!!

I need to break up with Ted if this happens again. I have not seen Dr. Tom since before Ted and I started dating. Once is ok..no need to make a fuss about it. Two times is a reoccurrance, and 3 times is a pattern.

It is pretty clear to me that Ted has no intention of going to the Dr. and asking about what he can do to make his junk work...so I should just do the inevitable and break up with him sooner rather then later.

Like Shattered Glass

It appears to be over between Joel and I. He told me that he did not want to see me because I would not have sex with him. He did not seem to understand why I was so angry at him for saying that; he pushed that he was only saying that I'm too tempting, and he doesn't want to push me. But I can smell some BULLSHIT from a mile away.

Then he had the never to ask me if I wanted to meet him for coffee, saying that he was wrong and stupid, and he really wanted to see me. Hell no...I had other plans made already. Sorry buddy!!! Really all I did was work out for 2 hours, but hey at least I was productive right? And I also got to go in the steam room...ahhhh how I love thee.

"Family Confidence"

It is a saying within my family...it means that it is only for us...my mom has been saying that for years, and my sisters and I have been making fun of her for years.

So today my sisters and I went to my parent's house for dinner. One of my sisters is going through a divorce, and my other sister is having troubles with her husband. That is all my mom can talk about theses days. It is really sad for me to hear the fighting back and forth between my sister and my mom. I wish that my mother thought before she shouted words out. I do not think that she realizes how hurtful what comes out of her mouth can be. She made both of my sisters cry tonight. She thinks that this is all of their fault. Sorry mother, it takes 2 to make a marriage. If one partner is not willing, there is very little that can be done.

My mother is such a stubborn lady. I wish that I could just get it through her skull that she needs to be more understanding. That this is not about her, but about my sisters. She said to me that one is ok, but both- "how does that make me look?" I wanted to yell and scream at her. But instead I just told her that she has no clue what it is like for them. That she needs to think of them before herself, and realize that they are in so much pain....and that her snide remarks do not help, only hurt the situation more so.

Will she ever learn- my assumption is NO.

All this bad/negative energy is affecting me. I want to still believe in marriage. Believe that it is possible that 2 people will love each other enough to stick it through the good, the bad, and the ugly. Am I just being a silly naive girl to think that it's possible? We live in such a throw away society. We all expect (myself included) so much from ourselves and from a partner. It is really possible to live up to it all? Do our own disappointments affect the outcome of our relationships? Does our society lead people to divorce since it is so easy- no need to really work through problems? Is anyone ever really happy anymore?

I was thinking about my own life earlier today...am I happy? I keep searching for more. Hoping that this or that can change. I wonder if I am really living life to the fullest, or if I waiting for the next thing to happen before I can really start living. Well, why not start at this moment? Why keep waiting? What am I waiting on? Joel to leave his wife- won't happen- and if it does, do I honestly think that I would ever trust him...no. I would be second guessing ever word that came out of his mouth. Would he trust me- probably not. So why am I still holding on? Still hoping?

Then there is Ted. I'm waiting on him too. Waiting for him to fall in love with me. Waiting for him to finally have sex with me. Well, what if that never happens? What if all of this waiting is for nothing? Why do I feel like I need a man in order to be happy?

So many questions, I just wonder if I wil ever get any answers. I have to search with in myself. I am the key to my happeniess and to my success. All I need is myself, because in the end I'm all I have.

Thin is the New Happy

I just finished reading the book, Thin is the New Happy by Valerie Frankel. In general, I enjoyed the book, and related to it. I was a chubby little girl. I remember at age 9 my cousin asked me when I was going to sign up for weight watchers...to this day I still remember that comment. it has stuck to me. My mother also harassed me about my weight as a child. By the time I was 11 years old, I was anorexic. It was my way to control one thing in my life. I remember the feeling of hunger made me happy. I thought that I was strong and had will power because I denied myself. At first, friends and family just thought that I was finally shedding my baby weight. I was an active little kid, played soccer starting at age 5. I would go through phases of eating normally, to over eating, to not eating at all. It wasn't until I was in high school, that it was clear to everyone what I was doing. I was put in an out patient treating program- it helped, I got on track, but the thoughts, the body image, and guilt of food and weight gain have stayed with me.

So back to this book, it's a memoir of Valerie Frankel's struggle with weight, body image, her relationship with her mother, and food, She would go on crash diets, just has I have over the years....losing and then gaining. She decided that she was no longer going to allow food and diets and negative thoughts run her life- she started the "non diet." Letting go of all the negaitive feelings, eats when she hungry, stops when she's full, and works out. Doesn't feel guilty for eating bad and punish herself. It has been inspiring to read. I suggest that any woman (which i'm sure is most of us) who has struggled with weight, food, or body image at one point or another should read this. I am impressed with the book.

Why do we think that if we lose just 5 more pounds we will be so much happier? Do thin people not have problems? Because they are beautiful do they not face the same struggles? We all know that is not true. We all have pain and struggle to cope- that is just life.

I have major issues with weight gain, I put on 5 pounds and I think that the world is crashing down on me, I have gained between 7-8 pounds...and I feel guilty eating, funny that the guilt just makes me want to eat more bad food, to comfort myself. I decided that I will no longer go through ups and down when it comes to weight. I will just not make a big deal out of it. I'm just going to go through each day- take things one day at a time. If I don't need, I won't have it...that will apply to all things in life...including material goods, people, etc.

My new motto is: If i don't have to have it, then I just won't have it.

I know that I will shed the extra pounds that I have put on. But this time I just don't want to gain any of it back. I need to deal with my issues. I need to keep focused, not give up as I have with so many things in my life.

I just joined a new gym on Friday- it is so big and there are so many choices. I have fallen in love with it. I want to go as often as possible to get my money's worth. And I know that I will!

Sunday Already?

Ever wonder why Sunday seems to come so fast? The week can just drag on and on, but the weekend goes by too fast. There is always so much more that I want to do, but never have enough time to fit it all in. The weekend was good- got to see the best friend since 1st grade. She moved to the east cost a couple years ago for her work. I was able to see her Thursday night (we went to starby's) along with the other best friend, and her brother. It's funny that growing up I always thought of him as being so young, but he is only 1 year younger then me.

Friday I was off of work, so we spent the day together...we went shopping!!!! Not really a surprise there, what else do I love doing- ahahahhaha. We went to Ethel's too...so fun!


I love it there, it's pink and brown and lots of chocolate to choose from. Not to mention good lattes. It is warm and cozy in there. I feel at home and happy.

Friday night a big group of us went to a local bar for drinks...it was just so nice to be able to see her and spend time with her. I miss her like crazy!

I'm ready for nap time!