At Peace

I finally told Joel that him and I can only be friends. He doesn't seem to understand that he is the one who is married- he would like for me just to wait around forever. He can't even give me a guesstimate of when he plans of leaving...that is because he never plans on it.

I feel at peace finally.

Though we have tired this before, and I fell into his trap...I hope I'm able to stay strong this time around.

Beef Fried Rice

Wednesday is Lost night...it's the one night during the week that I get to hang with Ted. This is his busy season for work...hanging with me to watch Lost was actually his break today...poor guy they work him too hard.

He looks so handsome in his work clothes, and damn he smelled so yummy. And kissing him was so nice this evening.

As far as Lost is concerned...I wish that it was on longer then an hour...I'm so captured by the show! I just want to keep watching it and keep getting more answers, I hate Ben- he is such a liar...I'm glad that he was injured in the crash. Though I don't know who to believe Ben or Charles, they both appear to be the bad guy. I will just have to keep watching to find out what happens!

The best friend comes home tomorrow for the weekend...I'm so excited!!!! Girlie time here we come!
Hurray!!!

Confession to myself

When I was in 7th grade I started my long term love affair with poetry. It is funny that as a child I felt that my life was full of despair. I used to say that I was in the depths of my despair...oh how young I was and how little about life I really knew. I was such a dram queen!
Even now I barely know anything...obviously look at my life choices. A smart woman would not fall in love with a married man...and stay with him. I really do piss myself off. I have decided that I need to end it. I won't do it abruptly, but slowly I will end this. I need to be done with this foolish nonsense. Need to mature, need to be in a stable relationship that is actually headed in the right direction.
Going back to my love for poetry...I found this poem in 7th grade, and it was my motto:

Myself
by Edgar A. Guest

I have to live with myself and so
I want to be fit for myself to know,
I want to be able as days go by,
To look at myself straight in the eye.
I don't want to stand with the setting sun
And hate myself for the things I've done.

I don't want to hide on a closet shelf
A lot of secrets about myself,
And fool myself as I come and go
Into thinking that nobody else will know
What kind of man I really am;
I don't want to dress myself in sham.

I want to go with my head erect,
I want to deserve all men's respect
And in this struggle for fame and pelf
I want to be able to like myself.
I don't want to look at myself and know
That I am a bluster and empty show.

I cannot hide myself from me;
I can see what others can never see;
I know what others can never know,
I cannot fool myself, and so

Whatever happens, I want to be
Self-respecting and conscience free.

It could be because I had to go to confession every month- Catholic grade school does that to you- I didn't want to have to tell the priest all the bad things that I did...so I just didn't do any. Granted, what bad things can a little 7th grader do? Never mind that...I believe that I heard that an 11 year shot and killed his dad's pregnant girlfriend...WTF!!!!! I just wonder why he had a gun in his possession. One of the many reasons why I hate guns...

I'm not focused today- bouncing all over the place. The point is that I do want to be able to love with myself, and be proud of who I am. Currently, I'm not there. I'm hiding plenty of things on a shelf for no one to see; but I know that they exist. This is not who I was raised to be and this is not the lifestyle that I want. Therefore, I slowly will be changing my ways.

Though, tomorrow I am going out with Joel for Fat Tuesday...I'm not going to have sex with him- I really just don't want to. I just want Ted...I'll say I have my period...

All about Ted

Last night, Ted and I hung out. It was actually a very nice evening...and to my surprise he actually stayed over. He hasn't in about 3 weeks. We had a really good discussion about our relationship...aka about how we need to have sex. It has been 7 months!!! He is going to go and see his doctor about a magic pill. For me, it is the only way that our relationship will be real to me. That I be able to commit to him with no one else in the picture. I know that I'm a horrible person for saying that, trust me I do.

I can see myself with Ted in the long run. I know that he cares so much about me, I can care so much for him too. It has been a slow process trying to get him out of his shell, but he is coming out, and it makes me so happy.

When I was younger, I would picture myself being with someone like Ted: tall, thin, intelligent, so handsome, brown hair and eyes, caring, genuine, giving, supportive, dependable, loyal trustworthy, fun, hard working. He got it all! If we could just take care of the major issue that I have, I think we would be great!

I told him that I more then like him...and it's true. I've known that since October, when we went to the Angels and Air waves concert. During the song Breathe- I knew.

A blue, black shade of love.
Sent from above.
My hands are tied, two worlds alone,
And this I know.
Your breath's like wine,
And just like clouds, my skin crawls.
It's so divine, the sky it glows with fields of light.

Did you know that I love you?
Come and lay with me.
I love you.
And honestly, I love you.
You make me feel alive.
And I'll love you,
Until the end of time.

My hands shake clasped with fear,
As you come near
To say goodnight, just like a dove.
A peaceful sign.
To help us by.
As you come in.
Let this begin.
Stars fall like dust, our lips will touch.
We speak too much.

Did you know that I love you?
Come and lay with me.
I love you.
And honesty, I love you.
You make me feel alive.
And I'll love you,
Until the end of time.

Did you know that I love you?
Come and lay with me.
I love you.
And honestly, I love you.
You make me feel alive.
And I'll love you,
Until the end of time.

I've got a lot to say, if you will let me
It's always hard, when you're around me
But here right now, there's interest in your eyes
So hear me out, and hear this the first time

That I... love you (come and lay with me)
That I... love you (and honestly)
And I... love you (you make me feel alive)
That I... love you
Till the end of time

Last night, holding and kissing him, I was in bliss. It's going to be hard not seeing him again until Wednesday...for our Lost date. He is the one who got me hooked!

Warm fuzzies...

I will just have to cuddle with Jakey...he gave him to me on valentine's day until I can cuddle with Ted again. I love stuffed animals! He is so soft and smooth, and he even sheds like a real puppy!

Lost

I am a lost fanatic...thanks to Ted that is. When we first started dating, we watched all of the seasons so I would be caught up. Every Wednesday we watch it together...aww how cute right? So today while being bored at work, I found this blog all about lost called

Lost... and Gone Forever

I love it...I sat there and read for hours...I enjoy the author's theories on the show tremendously!

Valentine's Day Review (Joel Style)

Joel and I celebrated Valentine's Day on Friday. We both took the day off of work and played. It was lot of fun! I always have fun with him no matter what we do...Let's see...we went ice skating...surprisingly I did not fall on my ass. The last time I went ices skating was in grade school- and I do recall falling on my ass several times!

It was an outdoor rink...and a beautiful one at that. There were not that many people- I guess that helps, don't have to worry about running people down! We lasted for less then 30 minutes. Sad, I know, but the ice skates were not in the best conditions...and our parking was going to expire.

We also just randomly walked around...we went into the cultural center- it used to be the library...it was a stunning building. Here are some photos:


This is what the ceilings look like...pretty flowers...
Everything in the building is made from marble...I wonder how much that building is worth?










There is a glass rotunda (left)- It is one of the coolest things that I have ever seen. The picture in the right is the entryway.















After sightseeing per say, Joel and I went to the Melting Pot...all I can say is yummy! And holy crap was I a drunken fool! I had 4 Malibu diets, we had a bottle of champagne, and then split a dessert martini... Some Pictures from the Melting Pot:

















Melting Pot Review:

I had a really good time at the Melting Pot, it was my first time there and I was impressed. The decor/atmosphere was nice and relaxed. Our waiter was friendly and knowledgeable. We had the Big Night Out®, which is a 4 course meal for two. It comes with cheese fondue, a salad, the entree fondue, and then....chocolate fondue!

The cheese fondue comes with bread, apples, and veggies ...if you warm up the bread before dipping it, it tastes alot better! Our main entree was called fondue fusion- it came with lobster, fillet, chicken, pork, and shrimp. We cooked it in the Coq au Vin Fondue; it combines the flavors of fresh herbs, mushrooms, garlic, imported spices, and a hearty Burgundy Wine. It was very tasty!

The chocolate fondue was delicious as well...lots of sweets to dip! The Yin Yang Martini was also an excellent choice.

I would recommend trying the Melting Pot. It was fun with just the two of us, but In a think it would be fun with a group setting too. I think that they have lots of variety in their menu to accommodate everyone's tastes. You don't even have to get fondue, they have other entree options.

Great food, great service, great place!

Warm, Fresh, Delicious

I’m so excited…I’m a winner! In my building at work representatives from the Double Tree Hotel were giving out yummy free cookies! I entered a raffle and won a Zoo Weekend Stay. I get a free stay at the Double Tree Hotel and free breakfast Buffett for 2. Also, passes to the zoo, including free parking, tickets to the dolphin show (my favorite), and discounts at the restaurant and gift shop. Woot! I’m excited. I had a feeling I would win- not sure why- but hey look at that I did!

I’m not sure who I will take…if it has to be during the weekend, it will be Ted. If I can book it for anytime, I think that I’d take Joel. Haven’t made up my mind yet… I won’t tell either of them yet. I should get the actual certificate with all the info in a week or so. At that point I will make my decision.
I do know that whoever I take will get a tin of their cookies…they are so delicious!!! And look how nice the little tin is:
Hours Later:

I finally finished my valentines day shopping. I bought 3 valentines this year:
My sister
Joel
Ted


I bought my sister a box of Choxie Chocolates from Target...I thought that the box was so cute! Since she won't be getting a valentine from her soon to be ex husband, I thought that I would be the one to give her one. Make sure she knows how much I love and care for her.



Joel will get Lemon scented after shave, product line The Art of Shaving:

"The 4 Elements of The Perfect Shave® combine The Art of Shaving's aromatherapy-based products, handcrafted accessories and expert shaving technique to guarantee optimal shaving results while relieving and preventing ingrown hairs, razor burn, tough beard and sensitive skin."
Then, he will also get Cub's socks and random candy.

I bought Ted a box of Choixe Chocolates...yummy! Other random candy, then I got him Harry Potter (movie) # 5, and a book on maps from the civil war. Ted likes maps, history, and reading, so I figured it'd be perfect!

I'm sleepy...tomorrow Joel and I are supposed to be celebrating valentines day. I have the day off and does he!

How can someone copyright "bananas?"

I heard that some reality TV star has copyrighted bananas...seriously? So pathetic...

Other pathetic topics...people still talking about Micheal Phelps smoking up...he's 23 yrs old and just won how many gold metals? Leave him alone- granted, he is stupid for allowing some one to get a picture of it. And the poor guy obviously doesn't have that great of friends if they are willing to sell him out. Personally I think that weed should be legalized...and taxed to death...maybe it could help stimulate the economy!

Joel and I had a discussion about it yesterday...he has lost respect for him. Joel is also a republican and has 3 kids. He doesn't believe that making it legal is a good idea either- poor guy has never even tired it. Shouldn't judge until you try it once right?

Also pathetic- on a more personal level- my mom fighting with my sisters. Both my sisters are going through a rough patch with their husbands...well, one is just going to get divorced, but the other is working on the marriage. My mother's advise is to get pregnant- got to love the old school way of thinking...wtf NO!!!! My mother doesn't seem to understand that you can be married and still have your own life, own friends, go out with out your husband, take trips with friends...etc. She believes that once you get married you should go out with your husband only...sorry mom- it doesn't work that way so much.

Don't get me wrong, I believe that spending time with your spouse is important, but I believe that having your own hobbies, friends, trips, etc is very important.


It rained today- I got to use my new umbrella. It is so adorable! Love it...another fabulous purchase from Urban Outfitters. I love that it looks like it came out of the 1970's. I especially love the wooden hook handle. It was must have at first sight.

Dinner for 2

I actually cooked a meal this evening...I like cooking, but barely ever do. I made some pad thai. It was delicious! Joel came over- he actually sugguested that I cook for him, because apparemtly I never do. When he told me that I was pretty pissed off- why should I cook for him- he has a wife to cook for him. Somehow, he managed to get me to change my mind and prepare a meal for him...isn't he one lucky bastard.

After dinner, we did some dancing. I finally got a radio dock for my Ipod so I can happily listen to music with out having to use my lappy. How exciting! It is actually super cute. I've never heard of the brand, but I don't care- it was reasonable priced and pleasant to look at- what more could a girl ask for. Target!!! Got to love that store. I'm definitely all about Target- I don't shop at walmart- I have an allergic response to that store- no joke- I literally get all itchy and spotty.

Other fun and random purchases that I have made: They are pot holders from Urban Outfitters.
They were on clearance, and I just had to have them! I'm a strange - I can't help that I love kitchen things...I'm just not like the average 26yr old- but come on how could you not fall in love with them...they are so bright and fun- makes me happy just to look at them.



I also bought three new books. Slumdog Millionaire (the movie was so good I had to read the book). the godmother, and I hope that they serve beer in hell. All should be good reads. I can't wait till I can start them- only I have a list of about 10 books I want to get to before I start theses!

V Day Card

This is the Valentines Day card that I made for Joel. We always tell each other "you rock." So it fits. I'm going to stamp that in the inside. Plain and simple, yet I like it alot. I'm glad that I made a card...it as been a while since I have felt creative.

Memories

I was just looking at old scrapbooks. I always seem to be more happy-I've just been really down the past couple days. I feel like I'm ready for more- relationship wise. i just want one man to love me fully and just to really want to be there for me. Joel says he loves me, but he is not leaving his wife. When it's convenient for him he wants me. Ted- I just don't think that Ted is that into me. And if he is, he has a strange way of showing it.

I was looking at my senior yr of high school scrapbook. At that time I was dating Jeff. I was so in love with Jeff. I could spend all my time with him and it still would not be enough. We would go to school together, hang out after school, worked at the same mall, hung out after work. I was with him all the time, and we had so much fun together. He was so nice, caring, understanding, gentle, fun, passionate, everything that I wanted and still want in a man. And mostly, he was a good, honest, hard working boy. I thought that I found Mr. Right. I was the luckiest girl.

Only, Jeff started to change- his friends influenced him. I was the only girl he had ever dated, kissed, and had sex with (he was my first too-sex wise). He told me he wanted to date other people, that he wished he would have met me later on in life. I was crushed.

He was my first real love. I still think about him. We went to the same college and our jr, year of college, I thought that I may get a 2nd chance with him. I was still in love with James- my second true love. So I said no.

I wonder if I have made the right choices in life- I wonder where my life is going just in general. I wonder what I am thinking and what I am doing.

I piss myself off.

I've gained a few pounds. I think that this has to do alot with why I have been so emotional lately. I have major issues with weight- starting from about age 9. I was a chubby little girl. My family would make fun of me, my teachers, and the boys in school. By the time I was in 7th grade, I was anorexic. I remember loving the feeling of being hungry and not eating. Sad to say that I still do love that feeling, and I miss it sometimes.

My freshman year of high school I fainted in class, and it was mandated that I go to counseling for help. By my jr. year of high school I was pretty much "cured" meaning at normal weight. And eating regularly.

But when I gain a couple pounds it is the end of the world for me. I feel like crap, and all I want to do is eat- I went to a baby shower today and had a piece of chocolate cake- I feel guilty. I just want to crawl into a dark corner and cry.

Ok I'm done- I'm not even making sense at this point.

Blaish

I'm sad. Plan and simple. I know that what I do is wrong- all of it. I don't know why I don't just stop- I'm addicted to the attention. I'm a fucking attention whore. I realized today that I do have a quality that my mother posses...her selfishness/the world revolves around me mentality. My mother is a wonderful woman, don't get me wrong, she did a wonderful job in being a mother. But she believes that the world revolves around her. It's never about how something effects you, but how it will make her look. God, you would think that we were Greek. The rest of me is all my father- laid back, wild, stubborn, creative, self motivated.

I'm just in a bad mood.

"Double, double, toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble."

I had a little mini adventure with Joel the past couple of days...we went to Chicago...again! Joel was working for the most part, so I hung by myself for the most part. He wasn't supposed to work as much as he had too. It was our official one year anniversary, so had lots of fun things planned. His work sort of over ran that though.

We did go see Macbeth @ the Shakespeare Theater in Navy Pier. The play was really good- it was set in modern day. They had little kids playing guiter hero...right before tragedy struck them. It was an interesting mix- the moderation mixed with the Shakespearean lingo. I'm no critic, but I would give the performance 5 stars!

The theater itself is very cool. It is very wooden gave me a very warm feeling. It does give off a very Shakespearean vibe. The most random part of the play in my opinion was when Lady Macbeth is summoning some sort of evil spirits and pulls down her nighty so show us her boobs...I didn't really get it. I'm sure it was just to keep the attention of all the men...hahaha.

Before we went to the play, we were able to go to RIVA for dinner. It is a very delicious seafood/steak restaurant that is also at Navy Pier. I would recommend it! It has been voted as on of Chicago's "finest seafood restaurants." An added bonus, if you show your tickets for a Shakespeare play, you get 20% off your meal. Not an drinks though. Good thing we picked up the tickets before dinner, or else we would have never known about this awesome discount.

For our appetizer, we got beef tenderloin skewers. The beef was so tender and it melted in your mouth. It was severed with mini onions on the skewer. The dish also came with fried plantains, which Joel really enjoyed. I liked the way the grilled limes were presented on the plates...hence the photo focus.
My main course was Lobster Tail. It was a 120z...look at all the lobster meat! I must say it was some of the best lobster that I have had. It was huge and I devoured it all. Joel was actually surprised that I was able to finish it all. I can always make room for more lobster. It was cooked just right and the lemon butter dipping sauce was just right.

Joel ordered the swordfish...it was a duo plate. I can't remember exactly what the duo consisted of...I believe that one had some sort of chipolte sauce and the other garlic maybe? It was presented very nicely and Joel thoroughly enjoyed the fish.

We were such pigs, because we even ordered dessert. It was chocolate ...my favorite! It was so rich.

Overall I really enjoyed RIVA. The service was great, the food and drinks were awesome. For the quality the price was far. The lobster was the most expense at a market price of $60, but with the 20% discount, it was only $48...and well worth it. We both came away really happy from our meal.

After the play, we went to back to our hotel. This time we stayed at Avenue Hotel. It was nice. The service was good, the room was big and clean, what more could you ask for? The mini fridge- that was sub par- not really the types of bozos that I would want. There is the Sky Lounge on the 4oth floor of the hotel. Joel and I went up there for a quick drink- they closed at 11pm. I was happy with the drinks! I was really enjoying the cup that my drank came in...I know little things amuse the shit out of me. Mine is the slanted one- the Malibu and diet- my signature drink. Joel got a lemon drop and described it as being "very lemony."

We still had more drink in us after that, so then we went to Timothy O Tooles Pub. For some crazy reason, Joel was ready to eat more! Needless to say- we ordered more food...they had a bucket o fries that Joel was all about. He also started ordering shots...so I got drunk- fast.

He just wanted to take me back to the hotel so that we could get it on...and oh boy did we! I get so into it. Every touch just send tingles to me. He brings out my sexual side and desires more so then any other man has ever been able to do. That man can make me cum several times in a row!

I took a lot of random pictures this trip:
I love buildings!


This is taken from the court yard of the Wrigley Building. It is the one with the clock on it.




Water Tower and some church court yard. I liked the arches.

Book Review

I just started reading this book today and it is hilarious. It is about Chelsea Handler's sexual encounters and one night stands. So far I have read about her walking in on her parents roll playing as a bet from her sibling. Her relationships with random men who have animal names such as Turtle, Chicken, and Roster...her black men...yummy I love sex with black men...I have only had sex with one black man who's penis did not live up to my standards...poor guy. Her crazy drunkenness, which normally leads to her random sex. And then the Nugget...ask a midget. I love it. I was laughing out loud.

Her writing style is brilliant, causal and sarcastic. It is an easy read, and very entertaining!

What to do about Ted

I hung out with Ted this evening...
He is so nice, and so cute, and I really like him- I just don't know how much longer I can take it. I feel like there is something wrong with me- why else would we have not fucked yet? I wanted to try to turn him on, so I started to caress his leg- gently touching it up and down...and he grabs my hand. I asked him if I was tickling him and he said no, then I asked if me touching him made him uncomfortable and he said no. Then I asked why he was so quick to grab my hand and move it- he reply was just that he felt like grabbing my hand...fat chance.

There are complications in his life right now- stress from work and family, where I do not feel right telling him it's over. I know he likes me, and I like him too. I just want to Fuck already. See if it is worth going on with the relationship. And I will not sleep with two men at the same time- I've done that before and I will not allow it again. So maybe it's better that we haven't because I still get it from Joel. God Damn when did I become such a whorebag. Honestly, what am I doing with my life. I should not be with Joel, I know it. I just can't give him up. It's like the Buckcherry song "you crazy bitch, but you fuck so good." Plus Joel buys me nice presents and takes me to nice dinners, and concerts, and plays. Glad to know that I'm also a gold digger...I just keep getting better and better! I never realized how much of a bitch I really am.

Only Wednesday

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Superbowl Sunday

Valley Girl Cheer

Totally for sure, I just got a manicure.
The sun I swear is beaching out my hair.
29-34, I don't even know the score.
Go-go Fight-fight
Gee, I hope I look alright
Go-go Fight-fight
AAALLL RIGGGGHHHHT!

Yesterday I went and saw the game...went and drank with my girlfriends...we were all so drunk and had such a good time! I think that we watched maybe 3 min total of the game...I didn't even see any of the commercials...we were just so in out own little world.

This morning I was so slow...needless to say, I got to work a little late. I hate when I do that...it makes me feel so irresponsible. As long as I do not make a habit of getting to work late, it should be ok. I just work in a small office, where everyone is in your business...if your late too many times, people will start complaining.

Joel bought me the Wii fit...it is so awesome!!!! I totally recommend it! The hulahoop and running (of course) are my favorite. The tight rope and I just don't get along. I wanted it for such a long time and could not find it anywhere...he rocks, what can I say!