Confession to myself

When I was in 7th grade I started my long term love affair with poetry. It is funny that as a child I felt that my life was full of despair. I used to say that I was in the depths of my despair...oh how young I was and how little about life I really knew. I was such a dram queen!
Even now I barely know anything...obviously look at my life choices. A smart woman would not fall in love with a married man...and stay with him. I really do piss myself off. I have decided that I need to end it. I won't do it abruptly, but slowly I will end this. I need to be done with this foolish nonsense. Need to mature, need to be in a stable relationship that is actually headed in the right direction.
Going back to my love for poetry...I found this poem in 7th grade, and it was my motto:

Myself
by Edgar A. Guest

I have to live with myself and so
I want to be fit for myself to know,
I want to be able as days go by,
To look at myself straight in the eye.
I don't want to stand with the setting sun
And hate myself for the things I've done.

I don't want to hide on a closet shelf
A lot of secrets about myself,
And fool myself as I come and go
Into thinking that nobody else will know
What kind of man I really am;
I don't want to dress myself in sham.

I want to go with my head erect,
I want to deserve all men's respect
And in this struggle for fame and pelf
I want to be able to like myself.
I don't want to look at myself and know
That I am a bluster and empty show.

I cannot hide myself from me;
I can see what others can never see;
I know what others can never know,
I cannot fool myself, and so

Whatever happens, I want to be
Self-respecting and conscience free.

It could be because I had to go to confession every month- Catholic grade school does that to you- I didn't want to have to tell the priest all the bad things that I did...so I just didn't do any. Granted, what bad things can a little 7th grader do? Never mind that...I believe that I heard that an 11 year shot and killed his dad's pregnant girlfriend...WTF!!!!! I just wonder why he had a gun in his possession. One of the many reasons why I hate guns...

I'm not focused today- bouncing all over the place. The point is that I do want to be able to love with myself, and be proud of who I am. Currently, I'm not there. I'm hiding plenty of things on a shelf for no one to see; but I know that they exist. This is not who I was raised to be and this is not the lifestyle that I want. Therefore, I slowly will be changing my ways.

Though, tomorrow I am going out with Joel for Fat Tuesday...I'm not going to have sex with him- I really just don't want to. I just want Ted...I'll say I have my period...