Memories

I was just looking at old scrapbooks. I always seem to be more happy-I've just been really down the past couple days. I feel like I'm ready for more- relationship wise. i just want one man to love me fully and just to really want to be there for me. Joel says he loves me, but he is not leaving his wife. When it's convenient for him he wants me. Ted- I just don't think that Ted is that into me. And if he is, he has a strange way of showing it.

I was looking at my senior yr of high school scrapbook. At that time I was dating Jeff. I was so in love with Jeff. I could spend all my time with him and it still would not be enough. We would go to school together, hang out after school, worked at the same mall, hung out after work. I was with him all the time, and we had so much fun together. He was so nice, caring, understanding, gentle, fun, passionate, everything that I wanted and still want in a man. And mostly, he was a good, honest, hard working boy. I thought that I found Mr. Right. I was the luckiest girl.

Only, Jeff started to change- his friends influenced him. I was the only girl he had ever dated, kissed, and had sex with (he was my first too-sex wise). He told me he wanted to date other people, that he wished he would have met me later on in life. I was crushed.

He was my first real love. I still think about him. We went to the same college and our jr, year of college, I thought that I may get a 2nd chance with him. I was still in love with James- my second true love. So I said no.

I wonder if I have made the right choices in life- I wonder where my life is going just in general. I wonder what I am thinking and what I am doing.

I piss myself off.

I've gained a few pounds. I think that this has to do alot with why I have been so emotional lately. I have major issues with weight- starting from about age 9. I was a chubby little girl. My family would make fun of me, my teachers, and the boys in school. By the time I was in 7th grade, I was anorexic. I remember loving the feeling of being hungry and not eating. Sad to say that I still do love that feeling, and I miss it sometimes.

My freshman year of high school I fainted in class, and it was mandated that I go to counseling for help. By my jr. year of high school I was pretty much "cured" meaning at normal weight. And eating regularly.

But when I gain a couple pounds it is the end of the world for me. I feel like crap, and all I want to do is eat- I went to a baby shower today and had a piece of chocolate cake- I feel guilty. I just want to crawl into a dark corner and cry.

Ok I'm done- I'm not even making sense at this point.