I suck even more then I thought

It has been a minute since I have written. I said that Joel and I were just to be friends, but that did not turn out to be the case.

Then I , decided that I was going to break up with Ted since we still have not had the sex. Not only that, but it had been 2 weeks since I had seen him.

Then there is Dr. Tom. I saw him again on Friday...we went out on a real date- dinner, drinks, movie, bottle of wine, dancing, and ....ahhh yes.

So Ted came by tonight and I feel like such as ass, as I should. He really cares about me and I fuck around with other men.

I hate that I need so much attention from men. I never thought that I had low self esteem and that I need confidence from men desiring me. It is actually very sad for me to discover about myself.

I'm so sad. I keep thinking about Dr Tom. I can't get the man out of my head. This is my problem with him...the sex is so intimate and passionate, that I start to think that I really like him. Ok so maybe I do really like him. He is handsome, fun, rich, loves to have adventures, good in bed, loves to go down on me, kissing him is amazing, and he like to cuddle. How could a girl not fall for him? So once again, I'm screwed. I can't stop thinking about him. I did the worst thing ever...I sent him a text saying I couldn't get him out of my head...WTF have I no shame?

Ahhh I piss myself off. I should of just let sleeping dogs lie. it had been months since he called me, asking me to hang out. I think that he finally got the hint after awhile with all the excuses I gave him...and now...the tables have turned.

God, when will I learn that I can't have causal sex anymore.

It just feels so real...

Maybe what feels real is just the thought. The thought of having someone to be close to. Someone that just wants me and wants me all the time- no matter what. Someone who has the potiental to be a life long friend/partner.

Ok I'm done...I'll get over it...again...

Dr. Tom

It's official...I'm an ass...I totally had the sex over and over, and over again with Dr. Tom. I was wasted and totally booty called him at 5am...he drove 45 min to pick me up to drive another 30 min to my house. And then back 30 min the next day so I could pick my car up...What can I say, I'm just a damn good lay and by the way so is he!!!

I need to break up with Ted if this happens again. I have not seen Dr. Tom since before Ted and I started dating. Once is ok..no need to make a fuss about it. Two times is a reoccurrance, and 3 times is a pattern.

It is pretty clear to me that Ted has no intention of going to the Dr. and asking about what he can do to make his junk work...so I should just do the inevitable and break up with him sooner rather then later.

Like Shattered Glass

It appears to be over between Joel and I. He told me that he did not want to see me because I would not have sex with him. He did not seem to understand why I was so angry at him for saying that; he pushed that he was only saying that I'm too tempting, and he doesn't want to push me. But I can smell some BULLSHIT from a mile away.

Then he had the never to ask me if I wanted to meet him for coffee, saying that he was wrong and stupid, and he really wanted to see me. Hell no...I had other plans made already. Sorry buddy!!! Really all I did was work out for 2 hours, but hey at least I was productive right? And I also got to go in the steam room...ahhhh how I love thee.

"Family Confidence"

It is a saying within my family...it means that it is only for us...my mom has been saying that for years, and my sisters and I have been making fun of her for years.

So today my sisters and I went to my parent's house for dinner. One of my sisters is going through a divorce, and my other sister is having troubles with her husband. That is all my mom can talk about theses days. It is really sad for me to hear the fighting back and forth between my sister and my mom. I wish that my mother thought before she shouted words out. I do not think that she realizes how hurtful what comes out of her mouth can be. She made both of my sisters cry tonight. She thinks that this is all of their fault. Sorry mother, it takes 2 to make a marriage. If one partner is not willing, there is very little that can be done.

My mother is such a stubborn lady. I wish that I could just get it through her skull that she needs to be more understanding. That this is not about her, but about my sisters. She said to me that one is ok, but both- "how does that make me look?" I wanted to yell and scream at her. But instead I just told her that she has no clue what it is like for them. That she needs to think of them before herself, and realize that they are in so much pain....and that her snide remarks do not help, only hurt the situation more so.

Will she ever learn- my assumption is NO.

All this bad/negative energy is affecting me. I want to still believe in marriage. Believe that it is possible that 2 people will love each other enough to stick it through the good, the bad, and the ugly. Am I just being a silly naive girl to think that it's possible? We live in such a throw away society. We all expect (myself included) so much from ourselves and from a partner. It is really possible to live up to it all? Do our own disappointments affect the outcome of our relationships? Does our society lead people to divorce since it is so easy- no need to really work through problems? Is anyone ever really happy anymore?

I was thinking about my own life earlier today...am I happy? I keep searching for more. Hoping that this or that can change. I wonder if I am really living life to the fullest, or if I waiting for the next thing to happen before I can really start living. Well, why not start at this moment? Why keep waiting? What am I waiting on? Joel to leave his wife- won't happen- and if it does, do I honestly think that I would ever trust him...no. I would be second guessing ever word that came out of his mouth. Would he trust me- probably not. So why am I still holding on? Still hoping?

Then there is Ted. I'm waiting on him too. Waiting for him to fall in love with me. Waiting for him to finally have sex with me. Well, what if that never happens? What if all of this waiting is for nothing? Why do I feel like I need a man in order to be happy?

So many questions, I just wonder if I wil ever get any answers. I have to search with in myself. I am the key to my happeniess and to my success. All I need is myself, because in the end I'm all I have.

Thin is the New Happy

I just finished reading the book, Thin is the New Happy by Valerie Frankel. In general, I enjoyed the book, and related to it. I was a chubby little girl. I remember at age 9 my cousin asked me when I was going to sign up for weight watchers...to this day I still remember that comment. it has stuck to me. My mother also harassed me about my weight as a child. By the time I was 11 years old, I was anorexic. It was my way to control one thing in my life. I remember the feeling of hunger made me happy. I thought that I was strong and had will power because I denied myself. At first, friends and family just thought that I was finally shedding my baby weight. I was an active little kid, played soccer starting at age 5. I would go through phases of eating normally, to over eating, to not eating at all. It wasn't until I was in high school, that it was clear to everyone what I was doing. I was put in an out patient treating program- it helped, I got on track, but the thoughts, the body image, and guilt of food and weight gain have stayed with me.

So back to this book, it's a memoir of Valerie Frankel's struggle with weight, body image, her relationship with her mother, and food, She would go on crash diets, just has I have over the years....losing and then gaining. She decided that she was no longer going to allow food and diets and negative thoughts run her life- she started the "non diet." Letting go of all the negaitive feelings, eats when she hungry, stops when she's full, and works out. Doesn't feel guilty for eating bad and punish herself. It has been inspiring to read. I suggest that any woman (which i'm sure is most of us) who has struggled with weight, food, or body image at one point or another should read this. I am impressed with the book.

Why do we think that if we lose just 5 more pounds we will be so much happier? Do thin people not have problems? Because they are beautiful do they not face the same struggles? We all know that is not true. We all have pain and struggle to cope- that is just life.

I have major issues with weight gain, I put on 5 pounds and I think that the world is crashing down on me, I have gained between 7-8 pounds...and I feel guilty eating, funny that the guilt just makes me want to eat more bad food, to comfort myself. I decided that I will no longer go through ups and down when it comes to weight. I will just not make a big deal out of it. I'm just going to go through each day- take things one day at a time. If I don't need, I won't have it...that will apply to all things in life...including material goods, people, etc.

My new motto is: If i don't have to have it, then I just won't have it.

I know that I will shed the extra pounds that I have put on. But this time I just don't want to gain any of it back. I need to deal with my issues. I need to keep focused, not give up as I have with so many things in my life.

I just joined a new gym on Friday- it is so big and there are so many choices. I have fallen in love with it. I want to go as often as possible to get my money's worth. And I know that I will!

Sunday Already?

Ever wonder why Sunday seems to come so fast? The week can just drag on and on, but the weekend goes by too fast. There is always so much more that I want to do, but never have enough time to fit it all in. The weekend was good- got to see the best friend since 1st grade. She moved to the east cost a couple years ago for her work. I was able to see her Thursday night (we went to starby's) along with the other best friend, and her brother. It's funny that growing up I always thought of him as being so young, but he is only 1 year younger then me.

Friday I was off of work, so we spent the day together...we went shopping!!!! Not really a surprise there, what else do I love doing- ahahahhaha. We went to Ethel's too...so fun!


I love it there, it's pink and brown and lots of chocolate to choose from. Not to mention good lattes. It is warm and cozy in there. I feel at home and happy.

Friday night a big group of us went to a local bar for drinks...it was just so nice to be able to see her and spend time with her. I miss her like crazy!

I'm ready for nap time!

At Peace

I finally told Joel that him and I can only be friends. He doesn't seem to understand that he is the one who is married- he would like for me just to wait around forever. He can't even give me a guesstimate of when he plans of leaving...that is because he never plans on it.

I feel at peace finally.

Though we have tired this before, and I fell into his trap...I hope I'm able to stay strong this time around.

Beef Fried Rice

Wednesday is Lost night...it's the one night during the week that I get to hang with Ted. This is his busy season for work...hanging with me to watch Lost was actually his break today...poor guy they work him too hard.

He looks so handsome in his work clothes, and damn he smelled so yummy. And kissing him was so nice this evening.

As far as Lost is concerned...I wish that it was on longer then an hour...I'm so captured by the show! I just want to keep watching it and keep getting more answers, I hate Ben- he is such a liar...I'm glad that he was injured in the crash. Though I don't know who to believe Ben or Charles, they both appear to be the bad guy. I will just have to keep watching to find out what happens!

The best friend comes home tomorrow for the weekend...I'm so excited!!!! Girlie time here we come!
Hurray!!!

Confession to myself

When I was in 7th grade I started my long term love affair with poetry. It is funny that as a child I felt that my life was full of despair. I used to say that I was in the depths of my despair...oh how young I was and how little about life I really knew. I was such a dram queen!
Even now I barely know anything...obviously look at my life choices. A smart woman would not fall in love with a married man...and stay with him. I really do piss myself off. I have decided that I need to end it. I won't do it abruptly, but slowly I will end this. I need to be done with this foolish nonsense. Need to mature, need to be in a stable relationship that is actually headed in the right direction.
Going back to my love for poetry...I found this poem in 7th grade, and it was my motto:

Myself
by Edgar A. Guest

I have to live with myself and so
I want to be fit for myself to know,
I want to be able as days go by,
To look at myself straight in the eye.
I don't want to stand with the setting sun
And hate myself for the things I've done.

I don't want to hide on a closet shelf
A lot of secrets about myself,
And fool myself as I come and go
Into thinking that nobody else will know
What kind of man I really am;
I don't want to dress myself in sham.

I want to go with my head erect,
I want to deserve all men's respect
And in this struggle for fame and pelf
I want to be able to like myself.
I don't want to look at myself and know
That I am a bluster and empty show.

I cannot hide myself from me;
I can see what others can never see;
I know what others can never know,
I cannot fool myself, and so

Whatever happens, I want to be
Self-respecting and conscience free.

It could be because I had to go to confession every month- Catholic grade school does that to you- I didn't want to have to tell the priest all the bad things that I did...so I just didn't do any. Granted, what bad things can a little 7th grader do? Never mind that...I believe that I heard that an 11 year shot and killed his dad's pregnant girlfriend...WTF!!!!! I just wonder why he had a gun in his possession. One of the many reasons why I hate guns...

I'm not focused today- bouncing all over the place. The point is that I do want to be able to love with myself, and be proud of who I am. Currently, I'm not there. I'm hiding plenty of things on a shelf for no one to see; but I know that they exist. This is not who I was raised to be and this is not the lifestyle that I want. Therefore, I slowly will be changing my ways.

Though, tomorrow I am going out with Joel for Fat Tuesday...I'm not going to have sex with him- I really just don't want to. I just want Ted...I'll say I have my period...

All about Ted

Last night, Ted and I hung out. It was actually a very nice evening...and to my surprise he actually stayed over. He hasn't in about 3 weeks. We had a really good discussion about our relationship...aka about how we need to have sex. It has been 7 months!!! He is going to go and see his doctor about a magic pill. For me, it is the only way that our relationship will be real to me. That I be able to commit to him with no one else in the picture. I know that I'm a horrible person for saying that, trust me I do.

I can see myself with Ted in the long run. I know that he cares so much about me, I can care so much for him too. It has been a slow process trying to get him out of his shell, but he is coming out, and it makes me so happy.

When I was younger, I would picture myself being with someone like Ted: tall, thin, intelligent, so handsome, brown hair and eyes, caring, genuine, giving, supportive, dependable, loyal trustworthy, fun, hard working. He got it all! If we could just take care of the major issue that I have, I think we would be great!

I told him that I more then like him...and it's true. I've known that since October, when we went to the Angels and Air waves concert. During the song Breathe- I knew.

A blue, black shade of love.
Sent from above.
My hands are tied, two worlds alone,
And this I know.
Your breath's like wine,
And just like clouds, my skin crawls.
It's so divine, the sky it glows with fields of light.

Did you know that I love you?
Come and lay with me.
I love you.
And honestly, I love you.
You make me feel alive.
And I'll love you,
Until the end of time.

My hands shake clasped with fear,
As you come near
To say goodnight, just like a dove.
A peaceful sign.
To help us by.
As you come in.
Let this begin.
Stars fall like dust, our lips will touch.
We speak too much.

Did you know that I love you?
Come and lay with me.
I love you.
And honesty, I love you.
You make me feel alive.
And I'll love you,
Until the end of time.

Did you know that I love you?
Come and lay with me.
I love you.
And honestly, I love you.
You make me feel alive.
And I'll love you,
Until the end of time.

I've got a lot to say, if you will let me
It's always hard, when you're around me
But here right now, there's interest in your eyes
So hear me out, and hear this the first time

That I... love you (come and lay with me)
That I... love you (and honestly)
And I... love you (you make me feel alive)
That I... love you
Till the end of time

Last night, holding and kissing him, I was in bliss. It's going to be hard not seeing him again until Wednesday...for our Lost date. He is the one who got me hooked!

Warm fuzzies...

I will just have to cuddle with Jakey...he gave him to me on valentine's day until I can cuddle with Ted again. I love stuffed animals! He is so soft and smooth, and he even sheds like a real puppy!

Lost

I am a lost fanatic...thanks to Ted that is. When we first started dating, we watched all of the seasons so I would be caught up. Every Wednesday we watch it together...aww how cute right? So today while being bored at work, I found this blog all about lost called

Lost... and Gone Forever

I love it...I sat there and read for hours...I enjoy the author's theories on the show tremendously!

Valentine's Day Review (Joel Style)

Joel and I celebrated Valentine's Day on Friday. We both took the day off of work and played. It was lot of fun! I always have fun with him no matter what we do...Let's see...we went ice skating...surprisingly I did not fall on my ass. The last time I went ices skating was in grade school- and I do recall falling on my ass several times!

It was an outdoor rink...and a beautiful one at that. There were not that many people- I guess that helps, don't have to worry about running people down! We lasted for less then 30 minutes. Sad, I know, but the ice skates were not in the best conditions...and our parking was going to expire.

We also just randomly walked around...we went into the cultural center- it used to be the library...it was a stunning building. Here are some photos:


This is what the ceilings look like...pretty flowers...
Everything in the building is made from marble...I wonder how much that building is worth?










There is a glass rotunda (left)- It is one of the coolest things that I have ever seen. The picture in the right is the entryway.















After sightseeing per say, Joel and I went to the Melting Pot...all I can say is yummy! And holy crap was I a drunken fool! I had 4 Malibu diets, we had a bottle of champagne, and then split a dessert martini... Some Pictures from the Melting Pot:

















Melting Pot Review:

I had a really good time at the Melting Pot, it was my first time there and I was impressed. The decor/atmosphere was nice and relaxed. Our waiter was friendly and knowledgeable. We had the Big Night Out®, which is a 4 course meal for two. It comes with cheese fondue, a salad, the entree fondue, and then....chocolate fondue!

The cheese fondue comes with bread, apples, and veggies ...if you warm up the bread before dipping it, it tastes alot better! Our main entree was called fondue fusion- it came with lobster, fillet, chicken, pork, and shrimp. We cooked it in the Coq au Vin Fondue; it combines the flavors of fresh herbs, mushrooms, garlic, imported spices, and a hearty Burgundy Wine. It was very tasty!

The chocolate fondue was delicious as well...lots of sweets to dip! The Yin Yang Martini was also an excellent choice.

I would recommend trying the Melting Pot. It was fun with just the two of us, but In a think it would be fun with a group setting too. I think that they have lots of variety in their menu to accommodate everyone's tastes. You don't even have to get fondue, they have other entree options.

Great food, great service, great place!

Warm, Fresh, Delicious

I’m so excited…I’m a winner! In my building at work representatives from the Double Tree Hotel were giving out yummy free cookies! I entered a raffle and won a Zoo Weekend Stay. I get a free stay at the Double Tree Hotel and free breakfast Buffett for 2. Also, passes to the zoo, including free parking, tickets to the dolphin show (my favorite), and discounts at the restaurant and gift shop. Woot! I’m excited. I had a feeling I would win- not sure why- but hey look at that I did!

I’m not sure who I will take…if it has to be during the weekend, it will be Ted. If I can book it for anytime, I think that I’d take Joel. Haven’t made up my mind yet… I won’t tell either of them yet. I should get the actual certificate with all the info in a week or so. At that point I will make my decision.
I do know that whoever I take will get a tin of their cookies…they are so delicious!!! And look how nice the little tin is:
Hours Later:

I finally finished my valentines day shopping. I bought 3 valentines this year:
My sister
Joel
Ted


I bought my sister a box of Choxie Chocolates from Target...I thought that the box was so cute! Since she won't be getting a valentine from her soon to be ex husband, I thought that I would be the one to give her one. Make sure she knows how much I love and care for her.



Joel will get Lemon scented after shave, product line The Art of Shaving:

"The 4 Elements of The Perfect Shave® combine The Art of Shaving's aromatherapy-based products, handcrafted accessories and expert shaving technique to guarantee optimal shaving results while relieving and preventing ingrown hairs, razor burn, tough beard and sensitive skin."
Then, he will also get Cub's socks and random candy.

I bought Ted a box of Choixe Chocolates...yummy! Other random candy, then I got him Harry Potter (movie) # 5, and a book on maps from the civil war. Ted likes maps, history, and reading, so I figured it'd be perfect!

I'm sleepy...tomorrow Joel and I are supposed to be celebrating valentines day. I have the day off and does he!

How can someone copyright "bananas?"

I heard that some reality TV star has copyrighted bananas...seriously? So pathetic...

Other pathetic topics...people still talking about Micheal Phelps smoking up...he's 23 yrs old and just won how many gold metals? Leave him alone- granted, he is stupid for allowing some one to get a picture of it. And the poor guy obviously doesn't have that great of friends if they are willing to sell him out. Personally I think that weed should be legalized...and taxed to death...maybe it could help stimulate the economy!

Joel and I had a discussion about it yesterday...he has lost respect for him. Joel is also a republican and has 3 kids. He doesn't believe that making it legal is a good idea either- poor guy has never even tired it. Shouldn't judge until you try it once right?

Also pathetic- on a more personal level- my mom fighting with my sisters. Both my sisters are going through a rough patch with their husbands...well, one is just going to get divorced, but the other is working on the marriage. My mother's advise is to get pregnant- got to love the old school way of thinking...wtf NO!!!! My mother doesn't seem to understand that you can be married and still have your own life, own friends, go out with out your husband, take trips with friends...etc. She believes that once you get married you should go out with your husband only...sorry mom- it doesn't work that way so much.

Don't get me wrong, I believe that spending time with your spouse is important, but I believe that having your own hobbies, friends, trips, etc is very important.


It rained today- I got to use my new umbrella. It is so adorable! Love it...another fabulous purchase from Urban Outfitters. I love that it looks like it came out of the 1970's. I especially love the wooden hook handle. It was must have at first sight.

Dinner for 2

I actually cooked a meal this evening...I like cooking, but barely ever do. I made some pad thai. It was delicious! Joel came over- he actually sugguested that I cook for him, because apparemtly I never do. When he told me that I was pretty pissed off- why should I cook for him- he has a wife to cook for him. Somehow, he managed to get me to change my mind and prepare a meal for him...isn't he one lucky bastard.

After dinner, we did some dancing. I finally got a radio dock for my Ipod so I can happily listen to music with out having to use my lappy. How exciting! It is actually super cute. I've never heard of the brand, but I don't care- it was reasonable priced and pleasant to look at- what more could a girl ask for. Target!!! Got to love that store. I'm definitely all about Target- I don't shop at walmart- I have an allergic response to that store- no joke- I literally get all itchy and spotty.

Other fun and random purchases that I have made: They are pot holders from Urban Outfitters.
They were on clearance, and I just had to have them! I'm a strange - I can't help that I love kitchen things...I'm just not like the average 26yr old- but come on how could you not fall in love with them...they are so bright and fun- makes me happy just to look at them.



I also bought three new books. Slumdog Millionaire (the movie was so good I had to read the book). the godmother, and I hope that they serve beer in hell. All should be good reads. I can't wait till I can start them- only I have a list of about 10 books I want to get to before I start theses!

V Day Card

This is the Valentines Day card that I made for Joel. We always tell each other "you rock." So it fits. I'm going to stamp that in the inside. Plain and simple, yet I like it alot. I'm glad that I made a card...it as been a while since I have felt creative.

Memories

I was just looking at old scrapbooks. I always seem to be more happy-I've just been really down the past couple days. I feel like I'm ready for more- relationship wise. i just want one man to love me fully and just to really want to be there for me. Joel says he loves me, but he is not leaving his wife. When it's convenient for him he wants me. Ted- I just don't think that Ted is that into me. And if he is, he has a strange way of showing it.

I was looking at my senior yr of high school scrapbook. At that time I was dating Jeff. I was so in love with Jeff. I could spend all my time with him and it still would not be enough. We would go to school together, hang out after school, worked at the same mall, hung out after work. I was with him all the time, and we had so much fun together. He was so nice, caring, understanding, gentle, fun, passionate, everything that I wanted and still want in a man. And mostly, he was a good, honest, hard working boy. I thought that I found Mr. Right. I was the luckiest girl.

Only, Jeff started to change- his friends influenced him. I was the only girl he had ever dated, kissed, and had sex with (he was my first too-sex wise). He told me he wanted to date other people, that he wished he would have met me later on in life. I was crushed.

He was my first real love. I still think about him. We went to the same college and our jr, year of college, I thought that I may get a 2nd chance with him. I was still in love with James- my second true love. So I said no.

I wonder if I have made the right choices in life- I wonder where my life is going just in general. I wonder what I am thinking and what I am doing.

I piss myself off.

I've gained a few pounds. I think that this has to do alot with why I have been so emotional lately. I have major issues with weight- starting from about age 9. I was a chubby little girl. My family would make fun of me, my teachers, and the boys in school. By the time I was in 7th grade, I was anorexic. I remember loving the feeling of being hungry and not eating. Sad to say that I still do love that feeling, and I miss it sometimes.

My freshman year of high school I fainted in class, and it was mandated that I go to counseling for help. By my jr. year of high school I was pretty much "cured" meaning at normal weight. And eating regularly.

But when I gain a couple pounds it is the end of the world for me. I feel like crap, and all I want to do is eat- I went to a baby shower today and had a piece of chocolate cake- I feel guilty. I just want to crawl into a dark corner and cry.

Ok I'm done- I'm not even making sense at this point.

Blaish

I'm sad. Plan and simple. I know that what I do is wrong- all of it. I don't know why I don't just stop- I'm addicted to the attention. I'm a fucking attention whore. I realized today that I do have a quality that my mother posses...her selfishness/the world revolves around me mentality. My mother is a wonderful woman, don't get me wrong, she did a wonderful job in being a mother. But she believes that the world revolves around her. It's never about how something effects you, but how it will make her look. God, you would think that we were Greek. The rest of me is all my father- laid back, wild, stubborn, creative, self motivated.

I'm just in a bad mood.

"Double, double, toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble."

I had a little mini adventure with Joel the past couple of days...we went to Chicago...again! Joel was working for the most part, so I hung by myself for the most part. He wasn't supposed to work as much as he had too. It was our official one year anniversary, so had lots of fun things planned. His work sort of over ran that though.

We did go see Macbeth @ the Shakespeare Theater in Navy Pier. The play was really good- it was set in modern day. They had little kids playing guiter hero...right before tragedy struck them. It was an interesting mix- the moderation mixed with the Shakespearean lingo. I'm no critic, but I would give the performance 5 stars!

The theater itself is very cool. It is very wooden gave me a very warm feeling. It does give off a very Shakespearean vibe. The most random part of the play in my opinion was when Lady Macbeth is summoning some sort of evil spirits and pulls down her nighty so show us her boobs...I didn't really get it. I'm sure it was just to keep the attention of all the men...hahaha.

Before we went to the play, we were able to go to RIVA for dinner. It is a very delicious seafood/steak restaurant that is also at Navy Pier. I would recommend it! It has been voted as on of Chicago's "finest seafood restaurants." An added bonus, if you show your tickets for a Shakespeare play, you get 20% off your meal. Not an drinks though. Good thing we picked up the tickets before dinner, or else we would have never known about this awesome discount.

For our appetizer, we got beef tenderloin skewers. The beef was so tender and it melted in your mouth. It was severed with mini onions on the skewer. The dish also came with fried plantains, which Joel really enjoyed. I liked the way the grilled limes were presented on the plates...hence the photo focus.
My main course was Lobster Tail. It was a 120z...look at all the lobster meat! I must say it was some of the best lobster that I have had. It was huge and I devoured it all. Joel was actually surprised that I was able to finish it all. I can always make room for more lobster. It was cooked just right and the lemon butter dipping sauce was just right.

Joel ordered the swordfish...it was a duo plate. I can't remember exactly what the duo consisted of...I believe that one had some sort of chipolte sauce and the other garlic maybe? It was presented very nicely and Joel thoroughly enjoyed the fish.

We were such pigs, because we even ordered dessert. It was chocolate ...my favorite! It was so rich.

Overall I really enjoyed RIVA. The service was great, the food and drinks were awesome. For the quality the price was far. The lobster was the most expense at a market price of $60, but with the 20% discount, it was only $48...and well worth it. We both came away really happy from our meal.

After the play, we went to back to our hotel. This time we stayed at Avenue Hotel. It was nice. The service was good, the room was big and clean, what more could you ask for? The mini fridge- that was sub par- not really the types of bozos that I would want. There is the Sky Lounge on the 4oth floor of the hotel. Joel and I went up there for a quick drink- they closed at 11pm. I was happy with the drinks! I was really enjoying the cup that my drank came in...I know little things amuse the shit out of me. Mine is the slanted one- the Malibu and diet- my signature drink. Joel got a lemon drop and described it as being "very lemony."

We still had more drink in us after that, so then we went to Timothy O Tooles Pub. For some crazy reason, Joel was ready to eat more! Needless to say- we ordered more food...they had a bucket o fries that Joel was all about. He also started ordering shots...so I got drunk- fast.

He just wanted to take me back to the hotel so that we could get it on...and oh boy did we! I get so into it. Every touch just send tingles to me. He brings out my sexual side and desires more so then any other man has ever been able to do. That man can make me cum several times in a row!

I took a lot of random pictures this trip:
I love buildings!


This is taken from the court yard of the Wrigley Building. It is the one with the clock on it.




Water Tower and some church court yard. I liked the arches.

Book Review

I just started reading this book today and it is hilarious. It is about Chelsea Handler's sexual encounters and one night stands. So far I have read about her walking in on her parents roll playing as a bet from her sibling. Her relationships with random men who have animal names such as Turtle, Chicken, and Roster...her black men...yummy I love sex with black men...I have only had sex with one black man who's penis did not live up to my standards...poor guy. Her crazy drunkenness, which normally leads to her random sex. And then the Nugget...ask a midget. I love it. I was laughing out loud.

Her writing style is brilliant, causal and sarcastic. It is an easy read, and very entertaining!

What to do about Ted

I hung out with Ted this evening...
He is so nice, and so cute, and I really like him- I just don't know how much longer I can take it. I feel like there is something wrong with me- why else would we have not fucked yet? I wanted to try to turn him on, so I started to caress his leg- gently touching it up and down...and he grabs my hand. I asked him if I was tickling him and he said no, then I asked if me touching him made him uncomfortable and he said no. Then I asked why he was so quick to grab my hand and move it- he reply was just that he felt like grabbing my hand...fat chance.

There are complications in his life right now- stress from work and family, where I do not feel right telling him it's over. I know he likes me, and I like him too. I just want to Fuck already. See if it is worth going on with the relationship. And I will not sleep with two men at the same time- I've done that before and I will not allow it again. So maybe it's better that we haven't because I still get it from Joel. God Damn when did I become such a whorebag. Honestly, what am I doing with my life. I should not be with Joel, I know it. I just can't give him up. It's like the Buckcherry song "you crazy bitch, but you fuck so good." Plus Joel buys me nice presents and takes me to nice dinners, and concerts, and plays. Glad to know that I'm also a gold digger...I just keep getting better and better! I never realized how much of a bitch I really am.

Only Wednesday

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Superbowl Sunday

Valley Girl Cheer

Totally for sure, I just got a manicure.
The sun I swear is beaching out my hair.
29-34, I don't even know the score.
Go-go Fight-fight
Gee, I hope I look alright
Go-go Fight-fight
AAALLL RIGGGGHHHHT!

Yesterday I went and saw the game...went and drank with my girlfriends...we were all so drunk and had such a good time! I think that we watched maybe 3 min total of the game...I didn't even see any of the commercials...we were just so in out own little world.

This morning I was so slow...needless to say, I got to work a little late. I hate when I do that...it makes me feel so irresponsible. As long as I do not make a habit of getting to work late, it should be ok. I just work in a small office, where everyone is in your business...if your late too many times, people will start complaining.

Joel bought me the Wii fit...it is so awesome!!!! I totally recommend it! The hulahoop and running (of course) are my favorite. The tight rope and I just don't get along. I wanted it for such a long time and could not find it anywhere...he rocks, what can I say!

Randomness

25 Random Facts about me
1. I’m currently obsessed with peanut butter.
2. I enjoy writing surveys, administrating them, analyzing data, and writing reports.
3. Calculus was one of my favorite school subjects ever.
4. I’m a horrible speller (thank you spell check), but I’m a grammar fanatic.
5. Instead of being a working woman I would rather be a stay at home mom…I don’t understand why people want to have children to have them raised by someone else.
6. I’m super organized but messy at the same time.
7. My constant need of attention from older men is due to the fact that I always wanted a relationship with my father, but never was able to till I was an adult…apparently the craving for attention lingered.
8. I remember people by their outfits.
9. When I am sad I listen to sappy music and it miraculously cheers me up.
10. I love running and run at least 4-5 times a week.
11. I find mustard and mayo to be creepy and utterly disgusting.
12. I’m a shop-a-lohic and spend way too much money on clothing, shoes, panties, and scrapbook materials that I do not need.
13. I love spending money on gifts for my loved ones…I spent over $1100 on Christmas gifts for Joel.
14. I’m absolutely horrible at guitar hero…I can’t even make it through a song.
15. In college I priced my inner labia- my bf at the time did it and it was in my bedroom.
16. I love roll playing…my favorite is slave/master.
17. I love lemons, but despise lemon in water.
18. I could eat laffy taffy for hours and still want more.
19. Cupcakes with sprinkles make me really happy.
20. I go through my closets once every 3-6 months and donate what has not been used in the past months.
21. I had a crush on my high school boyfriend’s father…I thought that he was the most handsome man ever. I almost melted when he touched my face.
22. I think that happy hour is the best invention ever.
23. Every light bulb in my house is a led or compact fluorescent…I try to save the environment.
24. I love “Crazy Bitch” by Buckcherry, “Closer” by NIN, and “I Love Rock ‘N Roll” by Britany- they all get me in the mood.
25. I’m going to the Britany concert!!!!

Not so bad after all

I feel so alone right now. All I want to do is cry. I feel rejected and stupid and selfish all at the same time. Yesterday, I felt so rejected by Joel. He asked if I would pick him up from the train after work- so I thought that meant he wanted to hang out. No he just wanted a ride home. I asked him if he wanted to hang out and he said no just take me home. Then he asked me why I didn’t want to hang out, and I told him I did. Needless to say- he got out of my car and went home.

Then, he promised me that he would take me on a weekend trip (the actual weekend and not a middle of the week). And I asked him about it today…he said he can’t because the weekends are for his kids…WHATEVER…it’s ok during the week only because you can tell your wife you’re on a business trip. On the weekend you’d have no excuse. It has nothing to do with his children because he just complains about how they never want to hang out with him anyway. I know that I’m being selfish, because they are his children and he should be around, but I’m just sick of this. WTF am I doing. I deserve so much more. Why do I put up this, stay, I know he is never going to leave her. And if he did, would I really want to be with him? I wouldn’t put up with a cheating husband. I’m so over men at the moment.

To make things even worse: we were going to be taking a mini trip next week and he canceled because of work. If he was going on a mini vacation with his family- would he still cancel…NO.

And now he is going to go to a basketball game with one of his ex ladies…WHATEVER!!! I don’t really care about that- it’s just everything all on top of each other. He can see whoever he wants since I have Ted. I’m just in a bad mood. Mad at Ted too, only his father is sick so I have to be nice and supportive.

Today sucks.

Hours later:

It turned out that today was not so bad after all. During lunch, I went to the gym and ran for 40 minutes. My day got so much better after that...I was happy and alive...I love working out. It makes me feel so good and strong. And to make things even better, I didn't have any crap food today- it makes a difference, eating right, when I eat bad food I can totally feel the difference.

Joel is coming over tonight. I'm happy about that...I'm fucking horny as hell...need to get laid. And I know that he will fuck the shit out of me...he's been drinking....yummy, I can't wait till his huge cock is inside of me...

Another Sexless Night

Ted actually stayed over last night. I was trying to get frisky with him. I thought that I had not really been putting any effort...since I always end up feeling rejected...and yet again that was the case. I only had on panties...did he touch me at all- NO, not even a boob groping or anything. I touched him and sucked his dick. He still has not come-not even once. Grrr. And the thing is I don't suck in bed. I have never had a problem making a man come. I have been told that I give the best head...and it is because I love the penis...

After a while...he just said that he wanted to go to sleep. We didn't even cuddle and I cried myself to sleep.

I think that I'll be breaking up with Ted soon. He doesn't even act likes me wants me- so he probably doesn't. I'm just sick of feeling rejected...I'm done.

Sadness

It sucks that I have two men in my life and I still feel lonely. Joel is great during the work day, we talk all day through im. I see him after work pretty regularly, but by 7:30-8, he's got to go home and be a "family guy." Ted and I hang out (depending on his work) a few times during the week- but never before 7 and he is always leaving by 1030. I want someone who will stay with me. Cuddle me through the night, pillow talk with me on a daliy basis, and neither of them want to/can give me that. It makes me so sad.

I honestly don't really know why I am with Ted. He is so cute, but we act more like friends. Or at least in my opinion. It has almost been 7 months and still no sex...WTF. I don't even bother trying anymore. I enjoy his company and I think I keep thinking that he will change. That he will want to be closer to me, be more involved in my life, but I doubt he will ever change. I keep telling myself that once him and I have sex that I will have to let Joel go. But I don't think it will ever happen. Maybe that is why I'm having an easy time being with Joel, bc I don't really consider Ted to be my boyfriend...god damit I'm pretty fucked up. I honestly have no clue what I am doing in life. Grrr I need to grow up and mature.

Random side note...Joel surprised me today. It was actually very sweet. We met at a bar after work and had some drinks and fried food...yummy...and then we went for a little walk. He had given me a little card saying he had a surprise for me after drinks...I thought it was a cupcake bc we had been talking about cupcakes at work. So we keep walking, and I was thinking WTF it's so cold where are we going...low and behold we go to Hallmark...He told me to pick out a Vera Bradley purse...so nice of him. This is the one I chose:
It Purple Punch and the style is called Lisa B. Too bad I have to wait till Spring to use it though, I thought it was such a nice surprise, he made me very happy.

Chicago

We had a wonderful time this weekend in Chicago! It it my favorite city, I love it! We stayed at the Sax Hotel...it was wonderful...I wish I would have taken a pix of the room. We ate so much food...I swear I gained like 5 pounds just this weekend...We also so Wicked - loved it...Joel compared me to Galinda...I'm just not as airheady as she is...We also bowled...I suck!!! No joke I am the worst bowler that there ever was! We ar!e going back to Chicago in a couple weeks...yippy!!





(Above) View from Chicago River...it was frozen!
(To the right)View from the Signature Room at the John Hancock.


I'm really sad right now, because both my sisters are in the middle of getting divorces. I just found out about one today...

I'm going to either never get married or marry Joel, knowing that he will cheat on me. I won't get hurt when it happens, because I will go into it knowing that it will happen.

Manic Monday

Sometimes I get really annoyed with Joel. I mentioned that I wanted to get a part time job at Victoria's Secret and he got mad. Saying that it's not right for me, because I would have to talk to other men about bras and undies..talk about no self confidence. Then he snapped at me because he got into a fight with his wifey...ahh. WTF I'm ignoring him.

We're going on a little mini trip to Chicago this week- only a couple days. I actually planned and am sponsoring the whole thing. It's part of his Christmas gift/half birthday. We are really going to be living it up- I can't wait...I have so much fun with him! There will be lots of drinks and sex...I can't wait!!!

I'm going to be crafty tonight...good times!

Sundays

Today, like every other Sunday, I spent the day with my family. We (sister and I) went to our parents house for our weekly fest. My mother happens to be an amazing cook...After pigging out, we went SHOPPING!!! Just like childhood days, shopping has been and probably will be the best past time of our family. No wonder I'm a shopaholic and have major issues saving money. I'm not shopping in 09...hahaha. I already spent $100 this weekend. $40 on a sweater...it was on sale though! $40 at target, and then odds and ends...

Joel was angry at me this weekend. He knows that I am seeing Ted, but I don't always tell him when I hang out with him. I hate dealing with it. He knows why I see him and has to accept it because...well, he married. I want to get married and have kids one day- i'm not waiting around forever. Anyways, I told him that I was going clubbing with my girlfriends, and I didn't call him. He has forgiven, but he was whining about it earlier. Ted actually stayed over. I think maybe the 4th or 5th time in our relationship. I really like Ted, parts of me believe that I may love him. Is it possible to be in love with two people at the same time?

Ted is an only child, and he really acts like it. I have struggled with the relationship. But for some reason I don't want to give him up. He is tall and beautiful. He is shy but funny, and he kisses like no other...I just wish that he would want to fuck already. He is on meds that give him a limp dick, but go to the dr, already and get something to help with it. Grrr.

Introduction

Hello, my name is Misty. I'm 26 years old and I am a mistress. I have been for almost a year now. I'm using this as a way to vent. I need someone to talk to, but I can't turn to friends or family because they would not stand for this type of behavior. I was born and raised Catholic, even went to all Catholic schooling. I'm still best friends with the same girls that I was friends with since grade school. I don't consider myself to be catty, however I am selfish and a bit self centered. I'm also a screaming liberal.

This time last year, I was engaged and living with my future husband. Things appeared to be good on the outside. He was my best friend and I love spending time with him. Only problem was that I was not sexually attracted to him. I love good sex and need it all the time. I want it to be fun and satisfying and to be blunt, he was a one minute man that had no clue what he was doing. I tired telling him, dropping hits, buying books, but none of it seemed to help. I knew that it wasn't right, but the fear of being alone and hurting him kept me there. I felt trapped and wanted an out, but i was too much of a coward to break it off. Plus I kept telling myself that I would be happy with him, he would be a good husband(minus the sex), and be a great father.

I started talking to Joel online. I was bored at work and signed onto im chat. He started talking to me and I oddly responded. I normally don't. Guess I was just really bored that way. We talked about very basic stuff- work, friends, what we did for fun, so on and so forth. I can't remember what he asked, but it was sexual and I told him that I was engaged. I will never forget his response..."oops...it's ok I'm married." At that moment I was both intrigued and disgusted at the same time. I had just recently found out that an ex boyfriend of several years had cheated on me- I thought that I could get answers- why do men cheat? Also, he was a republican...shocker right...crazy republican that cheats...

For some reason, I kept talking to him. I loved the attention that he gave me- even if it was only through IM. We sent pictures to each other, and he praised me about how beautiful I was, how young I am (he is in his late 30's). At first, we would only talk during working hours...he told me about his history, his failed marriage, he children. I confided in him about my problems with my finance. He became someone that I looked forward to talking to on a daily basis. I could be real with him because I didn't really know him.

When I decided to meet him, I knew that I was already making a bad choice. Turns out that we live very close to each other. We met at Starbucks (my fav place). I was so nervous...I was sitting there waiting for him, thinking to myself wtf are you thinking?

Funny how today, that same thought comes into my head on a daily basis. I have tired to give him up several times, but I can't. It kills me because he has 3 children, and a wife who love him. His wife knows, she is stupid for staying, but yet I am even more stupid...I know it makes no sense.

I have even become a cheater. I'm in a relationship, for almost 6 months now. Though, can it be a relationship when u still haven't had sex? Yes that is right 6 months and no sex!!!! I'm begin to question if he is gay, or if he just finds me sexually repulsive.

So that is a brief introduction of me...