"Family Confidence"

It is a saying within my family...it means that it is only for us...my mom has been saying that for years, and my sisters and I have been making fun of her for years.

So today my sisters and I went to my parent's house for dinner. One of my sisters is going through a divorce, and my other sister is having troubles with her husband. That is all my mom can talk about theses days. It is really sad for me to hear the fighting back and forth between my sister and my mom. I wish that my mother thought before she shouted words out. I do not think that she realizes how hurtful what comes out of her mouth can be. She made both of my sisters cry tonight. She thinks that this is all of their fault. Sorry mother, it takes 2 to make a marriage. If one partner is not willing, there is very little that can be done.

My mother is such a stubborn lady. I wish that I could just get it through her skull that she needs to be more understanding. That this is not about her, but about my sisters. She said to me that one is ok, but both- "how does that make me look?" I wanted to yell and scream at her. But instead I just told her that she has no clue what it is like for them. That she needs to think of them before herself, and realize that they are in so much pain....and that her snide remarks do not help, only hurt the situation more so.

Will she ever learn- my assumption is NO.

All this bad/negative energy is affecting me. I want to still believe in marriage. Believe that it is possible that 2 people will love each other enough to stick it through the good, the bad, and the ugly. Am I just being a silly naive girl to think that it's possible? We live in such a throw away society. We all expect (myself included) so much from ourselves and from a partner. It is really possible to live up to it all? Do our own disappointments affect the outcome of our relationships? Does our society lead people to divorce since it is so easy- no need to really work through problems? Is anyone ever really happy anymore?

I was thinking about my own life earlier today...am I happy? I keep searching for more. Hoping that this or that can change. I wonder if I am really living life to the fullest, or if I waiting for the next thing to happen before I can really start living. Well, why not start at this moment? Why keep waiting? What am I waiting on? Joel to leave his wife- won't happen- and if it does, do I honestly think that I would ever trust him...no. I would be second guessing ever word that came out of his mouth. Would he trust me- probably not. So why am I still holding on? Still hoping?

Then there is Ted. I'm waiting on him too. Waiting for him to fall in love with me. Waiting for him to finally have sex with me. Well, what if that never happens? What if all of this waiting is for nothing? Why do I feel like I need a man in order to be happy?

So many questions, I just wonder if I wil ever get any answers. I have to search with in myself. I am the key to my happeniess and to my success. All I need is myself, because in the end I'm all I have.